Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
