last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
