After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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