i think my tv is drunk
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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