that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
