sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
