After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
