My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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