I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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