So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I enjoy the company of your penis
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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