my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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