New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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