Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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