I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Enjoy the penises
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
