Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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