My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He kissed a someone with a penis
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We don't watch enough power rangers
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
