omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
