I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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