How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
