$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
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