I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have peed in a lot of sinks
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
