That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
