Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
