just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My hand turned me down
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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