I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
