you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
