Yo dont text me then not text me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
