So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Found the puke drawer
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
