so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
