i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
