We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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