I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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