if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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