and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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