why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
