i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My life is pants optional.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
