You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
