I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
