she was so not down for the gang bang
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
