I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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