she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
