i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
