Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
