U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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