dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
