When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
