I only kidnapped one of them. chill
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
