I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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