I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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