I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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