My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
